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Deviant for 7 Years
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Moving Forward v. 2
I squelched a dream I fooled myself
Into believing carried some substance
I'm drilling it completely home I can't
overcome the path of love's resistance
So I sit and spill an errant tear
For my protracted persistence
Moving forward isn't quite easy
Moving backwards doesn't help
Moving sideways might skirt debris
But it catches up to you eventually
I've discarded a dream I fooled myself
Into believing would manifest comfort
I'm drilling it completely home I can't
medicate me enough to ease the hurt
So my eyes spill more damn tears
For doing nothing but waiting here
Held another numbing memorial for
Someone I cared for deeply rooted
Stubborn denial forms a fraudulent smile 
Knowing that the facade isn't well-suited
Now I'm trying to exorcise the ghost
The very type that appears the most
Moving forward isn't quite easy
Moving backwards doesn't help
Moving sideways might skirt debris
But it catches up to you eventually
Need to move somewhere beyond this mess
Want to move somewhere bey
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 0 0
Moving Forward
Just killed a dream I fooled myself
Into believing had some substance
Just drilled it home that I cannot
Take the path of most resistance
Just spilled another errant tear
For such protracted persistence
Moving forward isn't quite easy
Moving backwards doesn't help
Moving sideways might skirt debris
But it catches up to you eventually
Just killed a dream I fooled myself
Into believing had some substance
Just drilled it home that I cannot
Take the path of most resistance
Just spilled another errant tear
For such protracted persistence
Just held another memorial for
Someone I loved deeply rooted
Just smiled another fraudulent smile
Knowing the facade isn't well-suited
Now I'm trying to exorcise the ghost
The very type that appears the most
Moving forward isn't quite easy
Moving backwards doesn't help
Moving sideways might skirt debris
But it catches up to you eventually
Moving somewhere beyond this mess
Moving somewhere beyond the stress
Moving somewhere that won't cripple me
Moving forwa
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 3 0
Loneliness Fits Us Best v. II
Hope grows skin thick
Its price is neck deep
When heat proves but a trick 
and the heart regrets the leap
Upon the limbs we've dangled
Splinters dug as lust strangled
Risking everything, living for the prize
Losing everything, living just to realize
Loving someone hurts every damn time
The give, the spark, a taste
The wave, a surge, the take
When blood runs hot then cold
And there's nothing left to hold
Should we just give up and fold?
For bitter's the bitten tongue
Hating what it's made to swallow
Wistful dreams are far flung
And apologies just ring hollow
Upon the hook they've hung us
We see too late their deception
Cursing everything, dying for the prize
Losing everything, dying just to realize
Loving someone's created a fault line
The give, the spark, a taste
A wave, the surge, a waste
When backs turn and shoulders freeze
And what was desirable's out of reach 
Should we fess up or hold our peace?
For sore is the bleeding tongue
Wary of what'll inevitably swallow
Old, wist
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
Misery Has Too Much Sway
The thoughts pinning me
Are not going anywhere
The tape keeps stopping then rewinding
Again and again and again and again
I wish the walls would stop closing in
My floor's the ceiling and it's becoming vague
I can sense the terror spreading like a plague
I don't like wasting words
but they've been thrown away
If only serenity had a voice
If only peace had enough sway
When I initially become awake and aware
Time reverses and comfort proves scarce
Instinctively recoiling as scar tissue's snared
If an inflamed mind were now soothed
It'd be much easier for my spirit to move
Beyond the clutter in this haunted room
My bed's a coffin and everything's become so gray
That I can't get any lower than I've plunged today
I don't like wasting precious words
I sure as hell hate causing a scene
But it's getting harder and harder
For me to stifle this scream
If only faith had enough sway
If only peace would carry me away
Certain words wouldn't sound like a robotic refrain
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 2 2
Another Chance (WIP)
I'm waiting here while I lick an open wound
You're doing what you do when fear resumes
Chapped lips are holding back thirsty words
Like something uncharacteristic has occured
We're opaque surfaces too often disturbed
Chère, I'm fretting
Chère, you're seething
I'm sensing lost time repeating
You've shared secrets, you hold others at bay
Making the escape in your characteristic way
There's too many fogs you've drifted through
I've seen you coming and going right on cue
We've got to try something new
Chère, I'm hiding in plain sight
Chère, you're waging another fight
Where are answers heading tonight?
This worry rock is too familiar to me
This worry rock is too familiar to be
An effective way to deal with anything
A peaceful place, I'd love for us to go there
We could shed the skin of the lost and scared
No longer anticipating what's behind the door
No longer dreading what else could be in store
When all's said and done, that's what love's for
Chère, my frustratio
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
Lie In The Water
Lie in the water dilute me, make me pure
Offer me something in order to reassure
Voice in the wind, draw close, soften the blow
Where I'm heading isn't where I wanted to go
Emotion's too viscous in a body growing cold
Bated breath, you haven't yet been released
You rely too heavily on vain hope for relief
Promise in the water, stop with the coaxing
Your stream's got me gasping and choking
Is the wind only blowing to test faltering belief?
Pebble in my shoe, divert the path and rub anew
So I can repeat the complaint as I remember you
Cynical morsels, how often it's you I consume
Over 'n over again the dreaded cycle resumes
Sin in the water infused, rendered me unclean
Confused the situation and distorted what I see
The allure of sedation overtakes me as it fades
But I know when I wake up it'll all be the same
Desperation's intense in a scene that doesn't change
Bated breath, you're learning the error in your way
It's about damn time you listened to what they say
Escape measure, cover me
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 6 0
Hanging By The Thinnest Thread
Fear lingers whenever you want it to be over
Too aware when you don't want to be sober
Feel everything 'n nothing at the same time
Hovering where the dark and light coincide
Medicate yet sense the splinter root deeper
Draw back as the decline becomes steeper
When the debris of a life piles higher
Why bother putting out the next fire
Let it burn slowly and perhaps it'll purify
Adopt another name but you know it's a lie
Love has an odd way of contradicting itself
You take another risk and it never goes well
Pain's an excuse you abuse to fall over
And over and over and lower and lower
See the same bloody tracks in every town
Traces left behind brings the curtain down 
Feel everything 'n nothing at the same time
Hovering where both dark and light coincide
Medicate and provide credence to the liar
Fall down as the incline climbs higher
The world you weep in might be dying
Another laughs 'n goes on without you
When the intensity level starts rising
They'll let you down just to spite you
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
Wasting (WIP)
There's nothing and nowhere
That could neutralize his share
Taking too much then too little in
Overwhelmed then underwhelmed
A story unfolds so he's compelled
To reject hero, angel, and heroine
Instead favoring his own corrosion
Thought the road had been properly paved
Hoped a sign was pointing towards salvation
Found that through his absent participation
Everything once perfectly aligned had caved
An old soul
covered in obligatory burns
A cold soul
never listens and never learns
A sold soul
bought by what always returns
There's nobody and nowhere
That could interrupt his stare
Faking it all then brutally honest
Overexposed then lost in a forest
A nightmare unfolds so he hungers
And rejects any affection that lingers
The valuable slips through cold fingers
Thought the cards had been perfectly dealt
Hoped a high would sustain him far enough
Found that through every vein what he felt
was the very reason he was devoid of love
Overwhelmed then underwhelmed
Eyes see figments and nothing mor
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
Dreams are Meaningless
I'd scream but nobody would hear
It's to melancholy thinking I adhere
Reality shrinks to the size of a tear
Will peace of mind dare to appear?
If only I could loosen the choke chain
Then I'd change the rules of the game
Maybe what I'd searched for will arrive
But it's elusiveness is eating me alive
Keep driving the nail in
Keep driving the nail in and self-medicate
Keep driving the nail in
Keep at it, keep at it in this damned state
Everything's growing numb
Someone's throwing crumbs
One heart beat closer to never
I'm barely holding it together
I'd scream but nobody would come
It's to macabre thinking I succumb
Reality shrinks into a void of the lost
Will rescue dare attempt paying the cost
If only I could get away with ending it
I would finally be impervious to this shit
Maybe what I'd hoped for will come true
But a missing piece is thinning my glue
Keep widening this sucking hole
Keep driving conviction deeper
Keep reducing what was whole
Keep at it, keep at it, in a fever
Standing b
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
(WIP) Inky Salvation
Pushed into a corner I felt my spirits sink
Regret colored my skin humiliation's pink
And I wasn't expecting spotlights solely on me
Just someone to hold when it's hard to breathe
Always on the sidelines, held at arm's length
Pain is crippling, but suffering is its strength
Why do people expect peers to uniformly see
When too many refuse to spit out their seeds
Beat others into being something they're not
In the web at the end is where you'll be caught
I swear I never intended to overuse the warning bell
Just someone to care enough to pull me out of hell
Do you ever listen?
Do you even care...?
I seek inky salvation in the poems I pen
Maybe someone will see, I don't know when
For I wasn't looking for a miracle in motion
Just someone to care and understand my emotion
I don't want percolating chemicals to feign any bliss
I just need his gentle touch and the press of his kiss
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 2 0
Chere (Before Time Runs Out)
I'll retreat now as you reopen your wounds
Raining silent tears onto the ghost of you
My chapped lips bite back urgent words
Like something catastrophic's occured
Chère we're grounded
Chère we're grounded
Chère we're broken-winged birds
Chère, it's all in our shattered head
Chère, we're keeping negativity fed
I wish to hell you listened to what I said
There's so many cities you've drifted through
Folks see you coming and going nearly on cue
We've shared secrets, but you keep others at bay
I know what it's like to wake up unsure of the day
Will I go through this damn day afraid?
Will the doom cloud keep hovering?
Will peace ever be forthcoming?
Chère, we don't have to be lost
Chère, we don't have to be lost
Chère, love's worth risking the cost
Chère, it's just the ghosts in our bed
Chère, it's what their influence has said
Deriding the sun before the moon has had
the chance to set
I'm tired of worrying
I'm tired of worrying
Worrying over
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
More Than Ever
I wasn't really searching for a faith healer
but your touch was gentle, like a feather
My will to survive hasn't quite yet been broken
but the peace you give is needed more than ever
I was just hoping for a warming embrace
On lonely cold nights, on empty cold days
No matter what I tell myself I can't let go
Won't you please stay so that I can show
I better confess I might be a slow learner
Baggage constantly pulls my heart back
I know that I might be an over-thinker
But you're worth falling off the track
We're both afraid of so many things
But that alone makes us worth saving
I  never really took miracles seriously
It seemed too much like false security
Something vital is gone when you disappear
I'm so tired of things appearing this unclear
I was hoping you'd hold my hand like before
On lonely days and nights I'd open my door
No matter what my head tells my silly heart
I can't seem to extract a fundamental part
I confess I'm probably far too intense
Passion stirs underneath a quie
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 1 0
What You Mean
I can't adequately explain why I'm ridiculously stuck on you
You slipped right out of my hands and out of my sight, too
No matter where I turn today I glimpse your precious face
I attempt to run but I'm trapped here in a lonesome place
Five years should've dulled the intensity
But time hasn't yet erased your memory
My head says that it's wrong but my silly heart disagrees
I don't know what can be done to cut myself totally free
I suppose the moment of truth has arrived
There's nobody else that I want by my side
I know sappy cliches aren't particularly original
But I can't help that you'ry very special to me
God, expressing sentimentality is so scary to do
There's nobody else that means as much as you do to me
The distance between is impossible for me to dismiss
You've slipped away yet I can't help but want your kiss
No matter where I turn tonight I glimpse your cherished face
I try to ignore it but I'm alone here in a hollowed out space
Five years should've dulled this intensity
But ti
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 2 0
To Blame (WIP)
As each empty day draws to a close
I can't honestly say I feel any better
I'm struggling to hold myself together
The curve balls life throws make it harder
I can sense the edges cutting ever deeper
Because I know that I'm the one to blame
As each lonely night stretches on and on
I can't honestly say I've figured this out
I gnaw and chew on kernels of doubt
They get embedded inside my system
They interfere with a natural rhythm
But I know that I'm the one to blame
While the minutes masquerade as hours
I can't free myself from a trap of terror
My brain's a teeming cesspool of my errors
They circle like sharks tearing at my resolve
What I need to address that's still unsolved
Every festering reason I'm the one to blame
As the ink of night steals the blush of day
I can't view anything in the way I once did
My scars are bared and no longer well-hid
Tears burn the back of sleep-deprived eyes
For I absolutely hate that I still sympathize
With the reasons that I'm the one to blame
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 0 0
The Struggle
How do we get to wherever we're wanted?
Will we ever stop feeling so damn haunted?
We know self-hatred blows the wrong fuse
but we've been taught to believe the abuse
Spines are left behind when they're needed
Silver linings hide when the light's receeded
Thoughts blur when we seek a bit of clarity
Emotions stir when we want to feel nothing
Except peace to fade into anonymity
And erase what distorts our own reality
The fantasies we cling to inside our shells
To drown out the echo of phantom knells
How do we get to wherever we're cherished?
Will we ever stop feeling habitually famished?
We know self-absorption evokes little appeal
but our wounds have proved difficult to heal
Hope is elusive when it's what should nourish us
Love is a prison when it's what should liberate us
Thoughts darken when we once again rewind
Poems harken yet we want to leave it behind
And be content, to fade like an old photograph
To focus on the very things that make us laugh
The threads we cling to inside our bu
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 0 0
Self-Medicating (Sick)
It's so tempting
Habitually looking
For something to numb it
It's so horrible
The caged animal
Desperate to escape it
It's so destructive
A counterproductive
means to cope with it
It's too damned easy
To swallow, to bleed
Leaving traces of it
It's a parasitic obsession
This lovesick depression
That doesn't really relent
It's a concept then a habit
Focused on just to disconnect
From memories past and recent
It's so damn exhausting
The strained heart stalling
Stuck on what it hopes then resents
It's too fatally easy
To swallow, to bleed
To erase what you can't believe
To negate everything you now lack
All that time's stolen, that you need
Everything you lost you want back
No light at the end of the confusing tunnel
No source of comfort to ease your trouble
No authentic smile that can be shared
No one patient enough to remain there
Just the coldest of feelings
Just the void that consumes
Just a pain that's unyielding
As the sick, sad cycle resumes
:iconbackasswardsk:backasswardsK 3 3
This is how I view the world.


Bernard voice test by Zeurel Bernard voice test :iconzeurel:Zeurel 4,910 504
I Am Only a Marionette
I am only a marionette
Dancing on a string
Forced to entertain the masses
For joy I'm meant to bring.
I am only a puppet,
A plaything to be shown.
I can't escape the mass's will
Or make decisions of my own.
I am just an instrument
Forced to bend to standards.
I cannot rise and free myself
Against society's banners.
I am only a marionette,
Made for other's sake,
Made to do as others wish
Until the day I break.
:icondespicableme1:DespicableMe1 102 73
No Longer There
Bleeding, aching, broken, blue,
All the fighting that I did for you.
Screaming, crying, falling, numb,
I tried but now I have no one.
Wheezing, pleading, snapping, dying,
A piece of me hoped you might be lying.
Lost and hopeless, drowned in despair.
I still reach for you but you're no longer there.
:icondespicableme1:DespicableMe1 18 14
Northern Heiress by JanainaArt Northern Heiress :iconjanainaart:JanainaArt 342 19
Innocent Purge
fingers not full grown
still manage to pull free
undesired calories
and a mother's fear
"honey, please"
says the mom who has too many
worries and wrinkles for
her daughter of nine
tears spring forth
from wells not seen
since her own pitiful choices
"you're already beautiful,
and there are so many better ways
please, please, please
don't make my same mistakes"
tiny fingers just long enough
to grasp at insecurities
and struggle with feelings
of inadequacy
I want to be pretty
drain her empty
in the filthiest of cleansings
the mind of a child can't comprehend irony,
and that is her only solution
"but mommy" she chirps
"I'm fat"
off-white porcelain
stained with promises of perfection
from a girl too young
to know the consequences
(or the reasons)
she smiles a broken smile
because she's almost there
and she's unaware
she lost part of herself she'll never get back
"please, don't do what I did.
please, don't be like me."
"but mommy," she says
"I already am"
and the cycle repeat
:iconintricately-ordinary:intricately-ordinary 30 74
Ilusion by luisbc Ilusion :iconluisbc:luisbc 120 7 NieR:Automata - 2B (YoRHa) by 0kasane0 NieR:Automata - 2B (YoRHa) :icon0kasane0:0kasane0 969 26
I don't want to smother myself in fear
Equilibrium is a deceptive concept in my life,
seeing as my anxiety is a fickle little bastard
that crawls in through the cracks in my soul…
Happiness and laughter are elusive,
my moods are capricious assholes,
my breakdowns are unforeseeable.
My strangeness is not beautiful,
I am not artistically eccentric,
I am only unconventional sometimes
because I am tired of being smothered.
I don’t reveal myself
because I would be in any way
brave or trustful,
(I have seen enough evil
not to believe in humanity
being trustworthy)
I just refuse to be afraid
of getting hurt,
that is something
I have grown accustomed to anyway.
Oh darling,
I don’t remember
what it feels like
not to be aching…

I have a bullet hole in my soul,
and as it bleeds out,
I feel like I’m suffocating under
all that floods out.
Shoulders crouch under the burden,
face turns away not to look my demons in the eye.
After everything,
I am just so tired
of being afraid…
I hate the child in
:iconcicatrixed:Cicatrixed 4 11
Faulty DNA
The more I think,
the less I want to belong
to this world,
the more anxiety I feel.
You know,
they say a higher IQ makes you
more prone to depression,
but they leave out the part
that it also requires
a certain personality type,
perhaps high sensitivity and compassion,
I wouldn’t know,
I have not studies this.
But depression I know,
I haven’t studied it either,
but it has studied me,
found my weak spots,
the right buttons to push
to make me drown in hopelessness,
to rise an overwhelming anxiety inside
without my consent,
every muscle in me tenses up,
air flows not properly
for my chest muscles crush my lungs,
heart rate reaches heavy workout levels.
The tidal wave of depression
comes out of nowhere,
drowns me underneath it.
I look in the mirror
and the epitome of exhaustion
looks back at me.
Indifference, numbness, anguish,
exhaustion, both mental and physical.
With a foggy mind
I withdraw from people,
I withdraw from life.
The flame of hope flickers
and dies out,
living be
:iconcicatrixed:Cicatrixed 5 8
Why do you look to the heavens
and ask the stars thousands of your lifetimes away
about the world around you
when you can get the answers
from a refusal to be ignorant
yet, you still choose to blind yourself in your hope
granted from the utter oblivion above
I understand, of course
a plane void of light sometimes seems like a brighter future
than the one I'm living too
:iconnitromee:nitromee 2 0
effort is tiring
listen to the crack of knuckles and the pop of joints
as the puppet finally decides to walk
more like crawl
dragging elbows and knees across the floor
stamina once sustained now falling down
to levels it never knew
it stops
and drops
back onto the floor
it had risen as far as it could go
at least i assume that's the most it can do
there's always the chance it just doesnt want to put the effort into trying to live
not anymore
:iconnitromee:nitromee 3 0
Breaking Point
My emotions as of late have been nothing but stress, fear, anger, resentment, confusion, and uncertainty. I feel like a huge hurricane that has yet to dissipate. There are people in my life that I no longer want here, yet for most I have no say in the matter.
For if I were to say these word aloud I would be called selfish, bitter, and cold-hearted. People scold me for no longer caring about them and feeling nothing but indifference to their mere existence. The pain and strife they have caused me do not matter to them. However, I shall no longer apologize for what I feel or believe.
I am told to have a voice, an opinion, yet I am treated as if I have none. I can no longer be myself around loved ones for fear of judgment and disappointment. I have grown too far from the naive, innocent girl they once knew; our opinions and thoughts line up no more. I see things in a light they do not understand.
Now, like
:iconlifeinsixwords:Lifeinsixwords 2 0
"If I could go back in time I would erase everything I ever said to you. Even if it wasn't much I still gave away parts of me I can never get back and it hurts to know I'm the only one to blame for this. I got caught up in the thoughts of what if instead of what is. I let my heart override my brain and for that I'm sorry. My insides roll at the mere thought of the things I said to you, how I so easily got lost in the idea of you. I also realize that I have moved on, I no longer want to talk to you everyday or crave your simple presence. I merely want you as far away as possible. I wish to cleanse myself of thoughts of you and the memory of your words. So here I am, I know whats in the past cannot be changed but I myself have. I'm not the person you chased after all those months ago, I am someone who is free of you. As simple yet complicated as that."
:iconlifeinsixwords:Lifeinsixwords 2 2
Acceptable Casualties
Not every cop shoots blacks dead out of hatred
Not every soldier tackles a terrorist
Not every male, man, is a sexist bigot
Not every human being is a demon
But that doesn't matter
It really doesn't matter
When waves of pain crest and crash
At every thought
At every sight
That reminds us of the pain caused
But that makes it matter
Not every black is a thief in the making
Not every terrorist is middle eastern
Not every feminist is a man hater
Not every demon exists beneath your bed
But that doesn't matter
It really doesn't matter
When waves of pain crest and crash
At every thought
At every sight
That reminds us of the pain caused
But that makes it matter
Makes everything matter
Makes every little bit matter
When waves of pain crest and crash
Our every thought
Our every sight
Clouded by the pain that was caused
And that change does matter
Pain lets us know we must change for the better
Pain lets us know what is wrong within this world
Pain is the reminder that we're fallible
Pain, the bl
:icontheunrequitedsoul:TheUnrequitedSoul 3 2
Daily Paint #1056. Autumn Dinos - Raptor Pile by Cryptid-Creations Daily Paint #1056. Autumn Dinos - Raptor Pile :iconcryptid-creations:Cryptid-Creations 2,781 103 Fight Me (WIP) by IADS8345 Fight Me (WIP) :iconiads8345:IADS8345 7 5



backasswardsK's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States

Life is really complicated, and I've had to spend the majority of it in one hospital or another, due to serious health issues. I write poetry and song lyrics as a way to vent.

Introverted, introspective, prone to daydreaming, sometimes cynical and sometimes not (I can't explain the contradiction), sarcastic, and I spend too much time alone with my head in a book.

Strange video, but I love the concept, and the song itself.

Shamelessly obsessed with the music of Michael Rosenberg (aka Passenger) and Elliott Smith.


Sorry for the embedding, but I couldn't resist, once I figured out how to do so.

Stress 2 by Foxxie-Chan I am allergic to bull by SheilaMBrinson I support Brain Usage by Funeral-Of-Joy Stress 3 by Foxxie-Chan .: Read the comments :. Stamp by Beti-Kot Day Dreamer Stamp by Sora05



Fell down the stairs, then hit my head hard on something that the wound required Staples.

Tried to OD on Vodka and Valium.  Passed out and, again, hit my head hard enough there's obvious damage on the wall. Dad had to bust the door open. Next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance. My bladder also became paralyzed. Had to spend some time in a psychiatric ward.

Feeling a little better. Did make a friend. We voice chat and Yap about video games.

Update 2.

Sat Sep 10, 2016, 11:43 PM
  • Listening to: Passenger
  • Playing: BioShock2
I spent two weeks in the hospital. I got an infection around where my feeding tube was placed. They had to replace my IV nearly every damn day two infiltrated, and the other one started leaking. I was on dilaudid and oxycotin due to my low threshhold of pain and high drug tolerance. luckily, i stopped taking them now - on a muscle relant, and thats pretty much it.

I only have two sessions of PT left, and will still being using a cane forawhile due to the weight loss and how weak i'd become because of it. 

I'm making progress, but it's really damn slow. My tube feeding lasts 18 hours every day.

Not in a good state of mind right now. Dangerous, in fact. But I digress.


Fri Aug 12, 2016, 5:49 AM
  • Listening to: Passenger
  • Playing: BioShock2
Leaving for the hospital in 2 hours. Il only  Have to be in the hospital for a night or two, provided I have no complications.

Having another procedure in two weeks. 

Haven't written anything new lately. Been too tired and weak. I've fallen every day for the past week or so. I'm a mess right now.

Wish me luck. I'll need it. These damn pot holes in the road are tiresome.


Fri Jul 22, 2016, 3:04 PM
  • Listening to: Passenger
  • Playing: BioShock2
Health issues have gotten worse. I'm 106 now, when I'm generally around 120. I'm considered malnourished. If aid a lingering infection, so the ID doc had me get a picc-line placed, bc the med could only be administered via IV. It seemed to be working...the pain in my chest decreased. Then I got a blood clot, and had to go to the ER. Home healthcare pulled the line out.

The pain is back,I'm more or less sticking to Jello a.d pudding.. found out last week the muscles in my throat are  weak. Also, the flap that covers the windpipe so that food, drink, swallow, doesn't w work properly.

I see my shrink next Aug 1, see a general surgeon about getting a feeding tube in on August 3.

I see my gi doc next week, and I'm going to tell him  I need an EGD, dilation, and biopsy ASAP. It's going to determine what should be done about the infections.

I'm also having an mri and ct scan soon, because vertebrae have degraded. Not good.

I'm tired.


:icondepression-abyss: :iconpoeticalcondition: :iconlivingpoets: :iconenterthespectrum:


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Cicatrixed Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the faves and watching! :) I promise to check your gallery out as well when I have a little more time.
Lifeinsixwords Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015
Thank you for the fave! Means a lot!
(1 Reply)
Phyrofrost Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You are an amazing person! Don't forget that!
(1 Reply)
TheFlawedOne Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave
TheKerwinator Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2015  Professional Writer
Thank you for the favs! 
(1 Reply)
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2015
Thanks for the fave :]
(1 Reply)
PoetryOD Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2015
Thanks for the watch :]
(1 Reply)
LittleStarKid Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Birthday cake  icon 
(1 Reply)
DespicableMe1 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday!
(1 Reply)
Warm-Vibe Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2015
Hello K, Happy Birthday! :D
(1 Reply)
rafiki-is-my-king Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2015
Happy birthday!! 
(2 Replies)
Mythiril Featured By Owner May 1, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav dear, how ya been?
(1 Reply)
ScarletQuill Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2015
Re:Creatures print
If you don't mind uploading your poem to the site's art program, even if to just choose a different font, you can then sell it as a print!
Btw - if you have trouble with brighter hues -- consider outlining it or *shadowing* it with another color.
Thanks again.
(1 Reply)
3wyl Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello! :wave:

On behalf of ProjectComment, I would like to welcome you to our group! Some of the things we have that you may not know are:
We also have Targeted Commenting where you can just leave a link to your piece, a few questions, and we'll comment on your piece so that it is more driven and focused for you.

Overall, there are many things, all displayed on the front page of ProjectComment, and many more things to come! If you have any suggestions, concerns, queries or anything else, please do not hesitate to contact us!

We hope you have an enjoyable stay! :glomp:
mistress-linguist Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for :+fav:ing "Memory"!
(1 Reply)
LittleStarKid Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the watch back Meow :3
Do you ever collaborate?
(1 Reply)
The-Archaeon Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014
A big big big big big big big big big thanks for the fave :blush:

And everything else you've done for me, I really appreciate it :glomp:

Stay lovely :)
(1 Reply)
Sirlogan997 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014
Thank you for the favorite and the watch :)
(1 Reply)
JetSato Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for the favorite!! Mustache Poro Icon/Emote 
(1 Reply)
Crazy-Eel Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the faves!
(1 Reply)
SkeyeStorm Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Otakuu4lyphe Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014
not one favourite...........but two! I've just got a few things to sayNobu favety plz Commission for greenafire - Plz account Fav oh and did i forget to mention? :iconthanksforfaving: 
(1 Reply)
Monocephalized Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the favourite.
(1 Reply)
luminescent0513 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the favorites! They mean a lot from someone one as talented as you ♥
(1 Reply)
AlphaManifest Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Will you be free to chat later tonight? :tighthug:

I've been meaning to catch up with you and I finally have the time. I really missed getting to know you, and growing our friendship. I've just been killer busy and I hope it doesn't affect the friendship I've been trying to build with you. I've just been hosting so many projects, events, and co-signing events for other people...and in it all, you've still been 10x as supportive through it all, and I really couldn't ask for a better friend. You've been so incredibly good to me and I just, I can't even. I'm so sorry for not shedding the same light in return.

:heart: Let me know so we can chat, kay?
(1 Reply)
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