I Don't (Where's the Faith?)

I don’t want to continue thinking
that this is the best it’ll ever get
But with each trial and tribulation
my fear grows even more apparent

I don’t know why my heart pumps out
so much doubt it pushes hope askew
The aftermath of what this struggle is
hasn't done much to render it anew

Though I can't bring the picture into sharp focus
For the clarity that's necessary has disappeared
I can pinpoint exactly when steady nerves grew so
trigger happy smoke overwhelmed the atmosphere

I wish Adrienne would wind down, remain still

I want to give back in any way I possibly can
But I’m not sure how much is left of me to give
I'd hoped to help through a motivation to heal
But how can I do so when I feel this torn within?

I can't recall the last time I could say with any conviction
I’ve forgiven myself for betraying mother’s loving hands
I’ve never had the assurance to state I love all that I am
I know everyone makes mistakes,
but stubbornness refuses to bend

I don’t know if I can cross turbulent waters
without surrendering to this burning need
To cease the fight against an unforgiving tide
and accept that I might never feel complete

I can see rapture in the faithful’s eyes
but my instinct is to turn and walk away
Envious of paths that seem easier routes
Then the shame runs ice water through my veins;
Maybe I don't deserve a place in that exalted town

I don’t know who to turn to, not now
because I can’t look into kinder eyes
And the only thing I can hear is unrelieved silence
when what I need is for Fear to finally say goodbye

Because..
When  the hostile words are drilled into my already aching head
my emotions want to go remote and my heart wants to play dead
Then I find myself walking down the loneliest path, into a dark ravine
where the storm begins to rage as inevitably as the sadness within me